Aperture what?

I got a fancy schmancy camera for Christmas. 

It's got a lot of initials and numbers on it.

Things like ISO sensitivity, 

and Active D-Lighting, 

3.7,

 1/4, 

AF,

AE-L,

FN.

These initials I savvy.

WTH?

I hate to be a braggart and all, but despite my lack of understanding of this photography lingo and/or settings, I can do some pretty amazing things with it.

Like this.

And this.

I think this one belongs in a gallery or something.

If only I could attain a cooperative model, I'll be pro in no time.

Help.  Somebody.